This incident happened 4 years ago when I was still a year 1 student in JC. I was an avid netball player then. During that year, I was selected for the National Under-17 squad and was given the opportunity to go to
I was elated when I was informed. This was definitely a chance for me to maximize my potential and expose myself to a higher level of play. Although I have to train almost everyday, I was confident that I can cope by sacrificing my leisure time. I knew my dad would be happy for me, for he is always the one supporting me in whatever I do. My mum was the stumbling block in my bid to go for this overseas trip. I needed to get her consent.
So one night, I plucked up the courage and broke the news to them. To my astonishment, I got a straight ‘no’ from my mum. I was expecting her to probe further before giving me an answer. Upset, I asked her for an explanation. And her reply to me was “No means no. No further discussion needed” I believe anyone would be angry or irritated upon hearing that sort of reply. Fuming with anger, I complained about how she was never open to discussion and how she has never been supportive of me. I had to admit that I raised my voice at her. After saying my piece, I stormed back to my room and broke into tears.
I didn’t talk to my mother for the next few days. In the end, my dad, the peacemaker in the family, came and explained to me that my mum was just being worried about me going overseas alone as I’ve never left their side before. Besides, my mum wanted me to focus more on my studies. Trying not to make things difficult for my dad, I nodded, but deep down, I still could not accept my mother’s reasons.
As the deadline drew nearer, I had no choice but to talk to her again. I headed to their room with tears, telling them how badly I wanted to go. After a few minutes of silence, my mum finally said, “Your dad will make the decision”. There was a smile on my dad’s face and I knew it was as good as a yes.
Quarrels are inevitable in a family and my experience is an example of how miscommunication eventually leads to disagreements and arguments. In my opinion, sometimes parents have the mentality that whatever they do or decide is in our best interests. As in my case, there was nothing wrong in my mother’s intentions. But she failed to realize that I do need a life apart from studies. Her refusal to communicate with me became the turning point that soured our relationship.
This conflict could very well be avoided if I were to communicate more with my mum. However, communication is a two-way process; one willing party is certainly not enough.
Back to the scenario, if you were me, how would you deal with the situation when you have a mother who is not so willing to communicate with you?
7 comments:
Hi zhenyun, first of all, i think traditional asian parents are emotionally shutdown. Most of the time parents do not express their feelings or love for us through words but via their actions. Your mum is one of them. First of all, if she refused to give me a reason why she says no, i will put myself in her shoe and think why. Somehow, i think the likely reason would be she is worried about me. The only thing we can do is to reassure them that we will be ok and we will be safe.
If i have a mother like yours, i think spending time and getting to know how she is like would probably help me to understand her ways of communicating her love for me. Why not take her out for meals and get to know her as a friend? She might open up to you more and will give you the reason you need the next time she says no =)
Although it is difficult, try not to flare up. Just walk away.
Vent your frustrations (not on the other party). Calm down. Think about it (if you get worked up again, either vent your emotions again or control them). This will also give the other party (your mother) some time to do the same.
After sufficient time, she may feel more ready to speak with you and vice versa.
When both of you are ready, talk (and listen) about your concerns and feelings.
If communications still do not quite work out, perhaps you may seek to communicate through a third party (your father).
Hello Zhenyun, I have to agree with miko that most asian parents are more conservative and protective over their children. They would always exclaimed statements like "it's for your own good, next time then you will realise." However, I think if we can sometimes stand on their shoes and think in their perspective, probably we will understand their reasons. Nonetheless, I doubt they are that unreasonable and non-negotiable. Thus, probably what you can consider is to communicate more with your mum, let her have more confidence in you and proof to her that you are learning to be independent. As the saying goes " in the eyes of our parents, we are always a little child."
Dear Zhenyun,
I can understand this scenario from your point of view and from your mom's. She was protective of her "little girl," but you had grown up and were already a teenager. You wanted to spread your wings, be your own person and see the world, right?
My only confusion in this is that you use past and present tense verbs in your concluding paragraph. You say the incident was 4 years ago, but yet you write: "This conflict could very well be avoided ...." That's not a past hypothetical. It COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED is past hypothetical. You also write:
" ...that I do need a life apart from studies."
When you write in this way it gives me the feeling that the conflict still exists. (Does it?)
My advice here is that you need to aim for more consistency in your description.
One further problem is that while you seemed to have resolved the trip issue, thanks to your dad, you might not have reduced the barriers between you and your mom. (Or not? ) That barrier seemed to be her refusal to discuss. However, she did give your dad the green light to act on her behalf. Was that not communication, albeit indirect?
Anyway, thank you for sharing this intimate story with us.
Hi Brad,
Thanks for comment. I guess, I'm not careful enough when writing the paragraph. No doubt, I will strive to write better next time. Probably will make the necessary change to this post as well. =)
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